Empathetic listening for the neurodivergent

Empathetic listening for the neurodivergent

For most of my life I have seen my ADHD as a curse. My teachers had no patience for me. My peers teased me for my impulsiveness. I had bosses who disciplined me for my lack of attentiveness or impulsive behaviors. I often heard nervous laughter at my expense. There was a general lack of understanding and respect for my decisions. Relationships ruined.

Many who are neurodivergent experience a poverty of compassion and understanding towards them. Neurotypical individuals often see the behaviors of those with ADHD and Autism as annoying, irresponsible, and controllable. So often I was told to just “try harder” to be like others, to pay attention, to control my impulses.

Only recently, in my 50’s, have I discovered the blessings of ADHD:

Energy

Spontaneity

Hyperfocus

Creativity

Resilience

Conversation skills

Motivation of others

Engaging others

Humanity

Empathy and compassion

Caretaking

Generosity

Fairness

Humor

Ability to pivot

Processing information quickly

Problem solving

Sensitivity

Finding order in chaos

Self-starting

Persistence

Big picture thinking

Big dreams / ambitions

Intuitive thinking

Discovering

Passion

For people like me who experience these awesome traits in their lives, instead of focusing on negative characteristics, we might reframe our thinking to focus on the value of our neurodivergence. We need encouragement.

Often we see others reacting impatiently, being frustrated, wondering why we are annoying, wondering why we haven’t planned ahead. We see people focusing on the downside to our behaviors and not seeing what good things they bring out in ourselves and others. The reality is that we are misunderstood and that misunderstanding leads to a lack of empathy. Some behaviors of those with ADHD include inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity, disorganization, forgetfulness, risk-taking, social challenges, and prioritization challenges. These behaviors test the patience of those around us and causes conflict with those we interact with. My biggest struggles continue to be inattention, impulsivity, and social challenges. Disorganization and forgetfulness creep in when my systems to counteract them fail. It is these areas that have caused many problems for me.

Incidentally, there is a neurobiological explanation for occurring. Neurons talk to one another across synapses. When an action reaches a presynaptic terminal, it causes the neurotransmitter to be released from the neuron and it is received by the receptor of corresponding neuron. In the cases of ADHD, the originating neuron reabsorbs the neurotransmitter, preventing the corresponding neuron from receiving the information. Hyperactivity is the brains response to that, trying to push as much information as possible in the hopes that the corresponding neuron receives the information. That is why often the prescribe medication is a stimulant. The stimulant encourages the information to be transmitted. So, they hyperactivity is reduced because the stimulant is assisting in that transmission.

Impatiently criticizing our lack of attention to detail. We’re often focused on the idea and it’s potential. The details are important to us, but we need to get the idea out first. Just give us time to circle back around and fill in the blanks. We have systems in place to catch the details. Those systems will sometimes fail and we will fall into a pattern of mistakes related to detail from time to time. We will often catch those mistakes and update our systems to better catch missed details. To be empathetic in supporting us is to ask us if we’ve noticed a change in our detail. Even in this paragraph there are multiple grammatical errors. How many reading this focused on the mistakes and not the sentiment the paragraph wished to demonstrate. How many focused on the period that should have been a question mark? Having empathy means that we recognize the idea of the neurodivergent first rather than the mistakes made in generating the idea.

Being frustrated by our saying what’s on our mind when what’s on our mind may be embarrassing, out of context, off topic, or borderline inappropriate. We have the tendency to interrupt. We’re impatient. We blurt out responses. Most of the time we’re workshopping an idea. Out loud. Unfiltered. The impulsive comments made by those with neurodivergence are attempts to get ideas out to see what works and what doesn’t work. Show empathy through being mindful of your reaction to our workshopping attempts. Often, we will catch the flaws in what we said almost immediately after sharing the thought. Discouraging our tendency to speak before thinking will cause us to be more cautious in what we say and we will all lose the occasional gems that come out of the many, many misses. We have also been conditioned to be ashamed of speaking out because of the many times that we were told we were wrong or stupid for saying it. Be kind when we say something impulsively.

If words and behaviors are inappropriate, off-color, hurtful, or inappropriate in the workplace, let us know. We are sensitive so letting us know with understanding that there was no malicious intent and that for individuals who have neurodivergent characteristics we may be balancing the need to correct inappropriate speech and behaviors in the context of the workplace. At times it may be our impulsivity, and the words escaped before we can filter them. At other times there may be a disconnect between our understanding of what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. Be proactive in addressing those situations, especially where it could have been perceived as harassing or discriminatory.

Using “I” statements is always helpful as it disarms the individual you are talking to. “ I statements” use a specific format which is disarming to the individual you are talking to. The basic format is “I (feel) when you because...” For example, “I feel hurt when you say I don’t care about the project because I’ve been very engaged in the project. I just disagree with this piece...” In addition, when providing feedback it is always good to be specific about what they did well in the situation before and after you give specific feedback about what they did not.

Wondering why we do something impulsively without much planning ahead. We create and build as we go. We explore. We discover. We’re not as concerned about it going sideways. Yes, we have a hard time sitting still. We fidget. We have a hard time waiting our turn. We act without thinking. Having empathy for impulsive behaviors means allowing us to have time to explore. We need to see where something goes. We will come back around and get back on track. But we follow the butterfly because we see the beauty in the pursuit. It may come to something useful, it may not, but we recognize the importance of the journey. Showing empathy in impulsive pursuits also means that we needed to be reminded to come back to the task at hand. Give us prompts, time limits to encourage our fancy, and kind words to bring us back to the present. There are many benefits for going on these “side quests.” There are some studies that suggest that mild to moderate procrastination can help give your brain time to mull over a task or problem. It allows us to create space for greater creativity and innovative ideas. It allows you to prioritize and work more efficiently. There is an old adage, “work expands so as to fill the time which is available for its completion.” Going down the “rabbit hole” can help increase motivation, particularly for “boring” tasks that need an adrenaline factor. Finally, it can reduce stress for tasks that have you anxious. Of course, we must be mindful to measure these divergent trails and get back to the priority. I give myself time limits for such endeavors.

There’s also another side to this as well. We’re seen as not planning because we may or may not have CONTENT ready for meetings, project deadlines, and appointments. We are planning. We are planning to be mindful of our behaviors: what will we say, where will we stand, how will we interact with others, where will we sit. We plan by reminding ourselves to not say that stupid comment…again…for the third time. We plan so to not offend that coworker…again…for the fifth time. We plan on how to make eye contact for the right amount of time to not make it awkward. We are consumed by planning to not upset someone by our behaviors. We are worried about the mean thing we said, unintentionally, to our sister-in-law 28 years ago. We’re wondering if we turned off the oven. All these thoughts are on top of the thoughts about the content needed for the meeting or project. We will get all of it done. Most of the time it will be on time. Just know that there is a multitude of intrusive thoughts taking up space as well. Also, we’re thinking about the thing we said to our sister-in-law 28 years ago because we’re incredibly sensitive to hurting the feelings of others and our feelings are easily hurt.

Focusing on the lack of organization and poor time management. Our organization is atypical. We have things organized in a way that helps prompt us to remember where it is. It may look like a pile of papers. A mess. We know exactly what’s in that pile. For myself, I must put things in specific places otherwise I will never know where they are. If you move it, I will wander around lost. Empathy is giving gentle reminders that the trigger that we implemented to manage our time didn’t work. It’s also recognizing that I have 6 different devices (3 calendars, 2 clocks, and an egg timer) to remind me because I do care to be there on time, and it is not my intention to be late.

Seeing our behaviors as character flaws. The neurodivergent struggles with social interaction, sensory information, change, and organizing thoughts. We get stuck in repetitive behaviors or routines. We sometimes have difficulty following instructions that others find clear or intuitive. While some of us that have ADHD or Autism may be able to pivot, others with neurodivergence struggle with change. Having empathy means being mindful of those traits. Having empathy also means that rather than seeing them as flaws we see these traits as challenges in one context and strengths in another . It’s seeing thoughts as not unorganized but rather seeing them as ideas being workshopped. It is seeing us trying to solve a problem rather than being stuck. It is seeing a different perspective rather than refusal to follow instructions. It is having a heightened awareness rather than sensitivity to the environment.

Had my strengths been encouraged rather than receiving criticism for what was perceived by those who were critical, mean, and impatient just maybe, I might have enhanced the lives of others, which is what my intent had been all along.

Empathetic listening for the neurodivergent means:

1. Seeing us as whole human beings, with our own unique strengths and challenges that are not better or worse than anyone else's, just different

2. Sandwich the mistakes between the strengths. Make sure that you let us know that we are doing well and that makes more noise than our struggling with. Remember we’re sensitive and have our feelings easily hurt – or – we’re concerned that we’ve hurt you, and we fear disappointing others. Let us know we’re valued because we know that we need to hear it even when we feel awkward in hearing it. I am only recently learning to ask for compliments. I am still learning to just say thank you.

3. Remember there is a purpose for the behavior. Help us to discover that purpose rather than focusing on the behavior itself.

4. When we are off task, missing, hyperfocused, overstimulated, insensitive in our words, remember that we are not typically trying to be disrespectful. Asking clarifying questions. We’re workshopping our thoughts, so it may not come out as we intended.

5. Remembering that we self-sacrifice to a fault. We need to learn to say no but often will not. Remember that when asking something of us.

6. The environment can sometimes be too much. Work with us on how we can work together to be successful in the environment. This doesn’t necessarily mean changing the environment to suit us. Sometimes we need to increase our tolerance of unpleasant environments. Stay in communication with us. Do we need to change, escape, or learn to tolerate the environment? Do we need you to challenge us or let us escape? Asking and talking about it is an important piece in trying to figure out what is best both for us and for the company.

Encourage the neurodivergent. They are here in this world to care for the lives of others. s. We are passionate without end. Sure, my lack of focus may mean I wander off. But I’ll be back…with a new friend, food, cuts and bruises, a llama for some unknown reason, and stories! Lots and lots of stories! And a solution to that problem we’ve been spending months trying to figure out.