Running Towards the Pain

At the meet I find myself standing apart from my teammates. I have my headphones on, listening to Metallica to help me get pumped up. It's not working. I’m looking down at the ground. I’m in my head. For a brief moment, I look up and observe. I see some jumping up and down, shaking their legs and arms. I see others laughing and joking with their friends. Some are pumping themselves up, beating their chests, shouting out loud. I take a deep breath and look back down at the ground. Worried. Scared.

My thoughts revolve around how much I hate racing. I love to run but I hate to race. When I go for a run I can manage my pain threshold easier, back off when I need to, and push when I’m ready. But not during a race. A race is all pain. I consider telling Coach that my ankle hurts and I can't run.

I look back down at the ground. I’m angry. I’m angry that I choose to race. I’m angry that I am choosing pain. Choosing to suffer. I look around I don't see anyone else choosing to suffer. Maybe it’s not painful for them. Maybe I’m the only one that hurts when I do this. No one else seems concerned about how much this is going to hurt. Why am I the only one who takes this so seriously and why am I the only one that is suffering? Why am I the only one that is scared?

The thoughts I have spell defeat. I’ll never be able to finish the race. I’ll never be able to maintain my pace. I hate it when my chest hurts. I hate it when I can’t breathe. My legs always hurt that second mile. How can I keep up with the others? What will happen if I fall off the pace?

I grit my teeth. Stop thinking that. You’ve prepared for this. You’ve been training. You’ve done the work. The pain is manageable. The pain is temporary. I think of what my religion teacher read to us in class: We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Matthew 5:3-5).

I think about what my gym teacher taught us about building strength. He told us that when you exercise, not only are you building strength, but you are breaking down muscles in order to achieve that. You are causing a tiny amount of tissue damage with every step you run and every weight you lift. Your body responds to that damage by rebuilding those tears in your muscles, making the muscles stronger. It is through damaging your body that you become a stronger, better athlete.

I spend some time thinking about that. The damage leads to strength. As I train I become physically damaged with the purpose to get stronger. I think for a moment about a hard moment I had earlier with my father. That was hurtful. I think about my teacher getting on me about not doing well in his class. Earlier in the week, my classmates laughed at me. None of THAT is making me a stronger person. I rub my ankle. I feel damaged. Broken. Not strong.

I grit my teeth again. Focus! You’ve trained for this. You’re strong enough to do this. I take off my warmups and my headphones. The absence of Metallica feels peaceful.

The cold air chills my arms and I shiver. Another reminder of the pain. Focus!

Do not let your mind think of the pain. It’s easy to get caught up in the suffering we face every day. Focusing on suffering rather than joy is how our hearts become hardened. Joy and thanksgiving overcome suffering.

Everything worthwhile in life is won through overcoming what we think are insurmountable odds. Avoiding suffering is a self-injurious behavior. We are not learning to deal with difficulties. And the reality is that life is full of difficulties.

The better job we do in being joyful and thankful every day, every moment, the better we bear our burdens. When we overcome our burdens through joy and thanksgiving, we increase our awareness of joy by recognizing how worthwhile it was to bear the suffering. It leads us to be thankful. We then learn to bear more suffering.

I line up at the starting line. I lean forward. I look over at my teammates. They are all focused. I find myself grateful to be standing by them. The gun goes off. I am happy. I love to race.

And That Is The Transformative Power of the Run